Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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