There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
