Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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