i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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