Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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