Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
