We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
