meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
of course. lets lasso hookers.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil