Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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