The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.