He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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