dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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