And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
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