Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
God I need to hump something, right now.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
