Porn is love you can see.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
