This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
