Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
