you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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