If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
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And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
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His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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