i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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