Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
