is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
