i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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