SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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