Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
