I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
