I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
