Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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