The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
