I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
