im about as happy as oj after his trial
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
