My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
