We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.