first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
