dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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