last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
