His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
