The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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