Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
The power of my boobs compel you
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
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