My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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