god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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