I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
this hospital has no fireball
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
