I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
