Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
