The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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