Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
