I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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