Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
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You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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