The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
