I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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