it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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