Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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