I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
