your parents love me but you hate me
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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