Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
