After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I just want nice things and good sex
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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