Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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