Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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