That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
