I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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