remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
