I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
