Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
