and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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