Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
